Angry Eggs

I'm going to write you a short story titled Angry Eggs. Maybe I could have it land in a woman's magazine or turn it into a cartoon that is a public service announcement on the WE channel or get a feature on Oprah (which interestingly enough, I don't watch) with the same title, Angry Eggs. It would be about the plight of many women and surely those that had decided they were finished having children before their body was finished preparing for another round of motherhood. What a battle that goes on in our poor bodies month after month.

Angry Eggs by Sarah J. Coffin (All rights reserved, yada, yada, yada)

Soft, gentle music falls gracefully on the ears of the Queen Egg as she is plumped roundly on her decadent pillows with cell slaves fanning her and feeding her grapes, just delicately waiting for those persistent swimmers to come grunting hugrily toward her. It seems a boring life, but one filled with luxury and anticipation. Often the Queen Egg is lost to herself in daydreams of what is to be her future.

Time lapses and the cell slaves disappear. There are no more grapes, only an overturned bowl with empty stems and the lonely small grapes that no one ever eats as they are horribly sour. The music stopped hours ago and the fan is broken and the cell slave just left it there; she knew the Queen Egg didn't need it anymore.

Only the Queen Egg didn't know. She realizes she's been alone for a while and sits up on her pillows and starts to call out for the cell slaves to come back and pamper her. "I'm the Queen Egg!", she shouts. "I hold the key to creating a new life! Why do you not serve me now as you once did? I am more useful than you could ever dream to be! Come back now!"

The cell slaves return, but they aren't coming back to pamper her. They start to clean up. She watches, irritated, as the cell slaves work around her and bellows, "Why is no one listening to me?!" Then one meager cell slave bows respectfully and whispers, "You aren't going to be used this month. You are being shed."

The gasp is audible as the Queen Egg falls back into the pillows and whispers to herself, "Shed? Me, shed? After everything I have done for this body? I've waited 29 years stuck with all those thousands of other crabby, holier-than-thou, I'm-gonna-make-a-baby-just-you-wait-and-see eggs in that cramped ovary apartment to come and take my place on the throne and do my baby duty." As she pauses, she sinks deeper into the pillows and a sick feeling sweeps over her. She realizes that the horror stories the cell au pair told her and her ovary-mates about what happens to little eggs that don't go to sleep were true. "I won't be shed without a fight." The look on her face changes to a devistating empty glare as she starts to scream. The Queen Egg is up on her feet grabbing and throwing anything she can as she kicks the already running cell slaves out. She starts ripping up the pillows and tearing that haven apart.

"Cramps, bloating, back pain, fatigue! Yeah, baby I can dish it out! Serves you right for making me stay here for 29 years only to shed me! ME?! I was going to make the perfect baby! I did it all for you! I'll even mess with your hearing...kid's screams sound like yowling wolves? Yep, that's me, sunshine! Husband turning into the Can't Do Anything Right monthly machine. Stumbled on me again, girly! Yeah, take it out on the world around you 'cuz you can't touch me..." By now the MP cell slaves have come in and wrestled her crown off her head only to hand it to a lady-in-waiting that rushes out of the room. They have the ex-Queen Egg wrapped up in a straight jacket, but she is giving them the fight of their lives as they rip her from her post and send her floating down the cervix watching in pity as she goes. She kicks the walls of the cervix as she gasps for air and thrashes her way around the narrow passage ripping apart every nerve ending she scrapes by as pain sparks and flashes up their slender backs. She never lets up as the last screams are heard drowning out in the distance, "How d'ya like me now?"

There is a part of the body that can't hear her screams because they have already begun the melodious coronation ceremony welcoming the beautiful new Queen Egg blushing to her luxurious post. She is kind, hopeful, expectant and eager to begin her pampering before her big day arrives. If only someone would tell her, warn her that this is a fruitless effort on her part. How many more will suffer? How many more Angry Eggs will there be?

Two Losses and a New Baby

This week has been a roller coaster of emotions. A friend of mine lost her husband after a long battle to recover from a stroke and a short battle with lung cancer and another friend lost her father after what seemed to be a short battle with a bacteria disease. Two honestly unimaginable moments. In the email that was sent out to say that Jackie's father had passed away her husband said, "He (God) has been glorified, and we have been reminded of how good and awesome he is no matter what the circumstance. He gives and takes away, for he is the sovereign and loving Lord of all creation. Blessed be his name." If you wouldn't mind, pray right now for peace and comfort for these two families.

To the balance of sadness, there is also immense joy. Jason's stepsister Tina and her family welcomed little Sawyer Cade (hope I spelled that right) into the world at a lovely 7 lb. 7 oz. We went to visit her in the hospital today and he is a handsome little man and feels as light as a feather. Pray also for quick healing for Tina and an easy transition to two kiddos. Having a baby is still amazing to me. First there was no baby and whammo 9 months later, an entire new human being. That is just honestly so cool!

My First Public Puking

I think it has been a privilege to say that I've made it through 27 months of motherhood and have not had a public puking experience. Well, scratch that, I personally puked covertly many, many, MANY times in public while I was pregnant with Camille and then Isaac. That would be a whole other blog to mention the locations and frequency with which the evidence of my being pregnant reared its wretched, (get it?) ugly head. Pregnancy does not do my body good.

But, to have gone this long without one of the children actually having the tubular, projectile vomit that can only be compared to a movie I have not seen and will never see, I have been blessed.

The location where Isaac undid his eating was Hideaway Pizza. For any Oklahomans, I pray you have had the joy of feasting on Hideaway Pizza. It is truly one of the best foods that ever came out of an oven. For those outside of our great state, I pity your taste buds. Not only did I know the manager, but there was also another family we knew that was coming by to say hello right after the incident. Thankfully, the spew was covered and the offending shorts and shoes that had been blessed were removed. All in all, a pretty uneventful puking in regards to a public display. Thanks for another first, Isaac!

Not motivated to type...

As I'm sure you can tell, I have not been motivated to type and that lack of motivation has carried through the ENTIRE MONTH OF MAY!!! I have a ton to say, it's just not there typographically. So, my month is summed up in pictures. Jason graduated from TU with his MBA and we are a super proud family. My sister Karen is going to have another baby soon and very soon. Camille is my precious girly girl and I love every stitch of that child. Isaac is so close to walking both he and I can taste it. We do have his first solo standing adventure and first step on here for you to oooh and aaah. I love summer and I love our family!

Month of May!